It is only 10:15am but it already feels like 5:30 pm for me…
The sky above the gas station tells me that it is a gorgeous day: azure with white tufts here and there; the sun shining white and hot. The sky above Tinley Park was so beautiful that one would think that it almost looked like it was made out of Acrylic. The sky had a shiny texture that one experiences with a lack of sleep and a head full of thoughts.
To my right is a slender Chinese woman negotiating with the gas cap of her Rav4.
To my left is a black Durango trying to get into the pump in front of my car.
~ and there I was, right in the middle of it all, getting my car ready for my voyage home ~
I decide to fill my tank up all the way, and I choose not to get a receipt. As I pull out, an older man in a late model Buick is crossing the intersection onto the highway.
I accelerate and maintain a comfortable 75mph. The radio plays some random song from Of Montreal and I scan left to right looking at the buildings and the grass that I pass by, 10 miles per hour over the speed limit.
Of course there are lots of houses, businesses, strange buildings with company logos that I have not heard about and other architectural accoutrements that decorated the landscape like a malevolent necklace ~ oh so sharp and stark ~
I continue down the highway, and in about 20 minutes the Chicago skyline is in my sights. I see the Sears/Willis towers pierce the sky that from Tinley Park to about 10 miles south of downtown Chicago morphed from something beautiful to something slightly less attractive. The azure has turned into something a few pantones darker and the white tufts morphed into corrugated dragons. The sight from my car was almost Quixotic. The Sears/Willis tower was fighting huge clouds that drifted by, certainly slower than the 75mph that I was going.
Suddenly, there is this palpable surge of wind that is quickly followed by a silver BMW 7 series. It would not have been so noticeable if I had any sleep the night before, and if I were not in such a small car. It got off the exit faster than it had arrived. Now cruising at a more aggressive 78mph, I moved over to the left lane and recalled the events that had happened that morning.
~ That morning, at 12:56:32 am, I woke up in a cold sweat and insomnia that was fueled by guilt. Outside, the sky was as just about as black and as coarse as my disheveled bed head.
~I was hesitating underneath the caress of my comforter.
Should I go and do it and risk getting into a car accident?
Should I not go for it and die in obscurity?
Old jeans,
Slip on shoes, no socks of course,
A black shirt
Velour Track Jacket
Wallet
Keyfob
Blackberry
A package for a friend
All the things that I brought for that trip underneath the sheltering sky.
~ I drove away from my friend’s dormitory defeated. I tried entering the building nicely, but I was politely denied entry despite my perceived urgency. The sky as I was driving away from his school was phantasmagorical. Purple, red and yellow. The sun was also inconveniently placed in the right corner of my eye, which made the second part of my voyage difficult. The sky, was discouraging, enveloping all the street signs in a harsh white light. The little visor that pops from the roof of the car gives me the interesting choice of getting lost or risking corneal damage. I thought that since I was driving under the influence of a double shot Mc Donald’s Iced Latte and the faint aroma of poor dental hygiene, I decided that getting there earlier was better than being blind.
The neighborhood where my friend lived looked beautiful in the sunlight. It was about an hour before my trip back to Milwaukee and it seemed like every blade of grass was facing me, and that every flower on the lawn, including the weeds were well saturated with the colors flowers come in.
~The blue Toyota in the driveway was the sign that my plan B had succeeded. I took a deep breath, zipped up my jacket and silenced my phone, and
I pressed the doorbell twice. Once for my friend’s family so that they may know that I was there, and another time to signal to myself that after whatever would happen after would change my life forever.
My friend’s dad and dog answered the door. We exchanged some pleasantries with a hint of concerned suspicion. Shortly after, my friend’s mother emerged from the doorway, and suggested that we took a walk around the neighborhood. We eventually stopped at some benches at the nearby park
For about two hours, we spoke about the things that one with my disposition would find uncomfortable talking about ~ but after driving 300 miles from where I was that evening to my friend’s house, I thought that it would be foolish not to be open to the experience. There I was, getting what I had deserved.
Normally, conversations of that level of profundity would have left me completely drained of energy. For some strange reason, I felt as though a great weight was lifted off my shoulders, being able to pour such raw emotion and understand more about myself.
My friend’s mother and I walked arm in arm around the neighborhood – I was a bit scared because I don't normally like touching people while I am talking, and in that situation I was the antagonist, talking to the bulwark. Her “firm” gentleness, that reminded me of my orthopedic pillow (soft and huggable, but scientifically so).
Yes
No
Maybe
Forever
Never
Damage
Sorry
No Reset Button
Protect
Deep
Recapture
Perhaps
In
A
Long
Time
If Ever.
I was being slowly led to my car. I tried walking a bit slower to prolong the conversation, but I knew that she had to start her day, and I needed to finish mine. I gave her the package that I was supposed to give my friend and she gave me her number and e-mail.
After a medium-length good bye, I realized that I would never be returning to the neighborhood where my friend lived in. I took my time, at a leisurely 20mph, saying goodbye to all the weeds the grew in between the cracks on the sidewalk. The little songs on the pavement bade me farewell as a bittersweet gust of wind hastened my departure.
My gas tank reminded me to visit a gas station where I saw the Chinese woman, Black Durango and looked up at the blue sheltering sky.
